Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Thank God for my Grandmother

Called my Grandmother today for the first time in a few weeks and told her how I've been doing the past few weeks. I explained that I'd started therapy and that I was about to start digging into my past to try and help me figure out what caused my depression and anxieties. Her response to that was "figuring out whatever happened to you in your childhood that made you depressed isn't going to change the fact that you are. You need to learn to get over it so you can move on" 

I agreed, but how can I get over a problem that I can't identify? 

That was a lesson that I learned while I was away in Minnesota raising babies and getting whole and healed. In order to move past something, you need to identify the problem, work through it then move on from it. My problems got to be bigger than me and instead of letting myself fall victim to it, I decided that I was going to get help.

Basically what she said to that was that I wouldn't be happy until I get the hell out of my mother's house.

Another fact that I agreed to. I've lived in this house since I was 4 years old and the demons and sadness and anger that have festered for years until they seep into all of us. It's a toxic environment and I should've gotten out of here a long time ago. Needless to say, I've gotten highly motivated. 

I always feel helpless when I know that I have more control than I think I have. But no, I'm getting myself out of the victim mindset. I CAN do this. I WILL do this. I WON'T be stopped. 

Something to add to my affirmations. 

I am NOT a victim anymore.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Lost my day pass today. Shrugged my shoulders and said "Oh well, someone needed it more than I did." Then it hit me, I've lost plenty in my life, things and people. Maybe someone else needed them more than I did. 

Not Okay. Not happy.

It's safe to say that I'm not happy right now. Not overall anyway. 

Happy means that I'm okay with all the things in my life, even the things that aren't going right. I'm not. 

I'm okay with the fact that I'm not where I'd like to be in my life. It takes time and I'm not ready to be THERE yet, which is why I'm still HERE. 

I've told myself that I'm getting used to the idea that I may not see my baby girl again. Getting used to is not the same as being okay with it.

I'm okay with the current situation regarding Sam and me. But I'm not okay with the idea that she may one day find someone that she likes more than me, or even that if she doesn't, that she doesn't want me anymore. I'm not. 

I am so tired of disappointment that I am NOT okay with it anymore. I choose not to be. And I can do that. I can wake up and say "I'M SICK OF BEING DISAPPOINTED IN THIS, THAT, HER, HIM AND EVERYTHING AND I'M NOT GOING TO BE OKAY WITH DISAPPOINTMENTS ANYMORE." I don't want to sit around and let myself get kicked around by life. I just have to get up and do something about it. 

I am not in the right frame of mind to be trying to pursue anything but my own mental health, but as soon as I'm better, I'm going to be changing some things. I'm not making concrete decisions right now, but there will be a few made along this journey.

The Lord helps those who help themselves and I'm getting the help that I've needed for so long and maybe I'm being stubborn about some things right now but I've always been a stubborn person. It's part of who I am. And I don't have to be okay with everything that's going wrong in my life. I can either lie down or fight like hell to change it. I believe that God wants to see how far I will go to change my circumstance. 

So while I'm hanging out in the woods now, talking to sticks and God and myself and trying to figure it all out, I'm learning my strengths and weaknesses every day. I'm growing and I can feel it. And I hope to God that I never have to come back to this place again because this time, I'm going to find my way back to happy and I'm going to chain myself to the wall.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

My pitch may not always be exact but the lyrics that come from my mouth and flow melodically in song regardless of the emotions hiding in my throat will always speak the truth. If I should find myself choking on tears of sadness or shouting anger or the laughter of happiness, you will hear it in my song and feel it too.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

I am not the easiest person to deal with. My emotional baggage wears me down. But I'm putting my bags down and unpacking them one by one. It's unfair of me to ask anyone to hold them with me. Time for me to settle. 

Friday, September 23, 2011

Out of Order

Standing in line, waiting to move closer to the hunk of metal ready and waiting to shoot through rails, twisting and turning, rolling up, up, up, then shuttling down so fast I can feel my stomach in my brain. Screaming, shouting, regretting the decision to put that metal harness over my body. But there's no going back, there's no way that I can undo it. I must go forward. I must keep going on this machine that holds its life in my hands and with luck, I'll make it off alive.

I lost my daughter this year. I woke up early on Saturday, January 15th, 2011 and collected my belongings for the last time. I kissed and hugged my brother and told him to raise hell but be a good boy. Then I went to her makeshift crib on the floor. I lifted the blanket and found her asleep, the way she always did, right on her stomach, bottom up and face snuggled into the huge pink stuffed bunny we'd gotten her for Easter the year before. As much as I didn't want to disturb her, I did anyway, knowing that it might be the last time I see her, hold her, talk to her, kiss her. Gently, I woke her with a light kiss on her forehead. I whispered that I loved her. I told her to be a good girl and that I would love her forever. After 15 minutes, I'd put her back to sleep, left the room and started out the door, then raced back up to her bedroom so I could hold her one more time. I'd never been so in love with another being in my life. She did not pass through me into this world, but she was my heart, my smile, my love, my life. To say I loved her, is an understatement of epic proportion.

January 28th, she was taken away. I'd never felt such a pain. My soul ached. I was shattered into pieces so small they turned to dust and floated away into the air. Pieces of me went too. I watched this girl grow. I watched her stand on her own, rubbed her gums when her first few teeth cut and the day she charged at me like a raging bull, I picked her up and swung her around the room. I grew with her. I became a woman because of her. Our blood doesn't match but the pull she had on my heart was undeniable. She was my daughter.

I've been trying to pull myself together ever since. For seven months and twenty-six days I've been riding this roller coaster and haven't been able to get off. I can almost predict when the ride will go up and down and twist me out of control.

I called my mother out for being such a shitty parent the day after Mother's Day, and on May 27th, after 14 months without one, I had a seizure. The next day, my cousin died. She was the glue that held my generation together. The sweetest girl you'd ever want to know. And God told her to come home and she wouldn't have to be sick any longer. I'd never cried at a funeral before hers. I'd never seen my family so defeated before June 7th 2011. And while we were all grieving, I destroyed a friendship with someone who was so good to me.

I came apart. Then on June 12th, I met someone who had my heart from the first time she said "Hi, I'm S-A-M." in ASL to my best friend. Love came to me in the form of the most beautiful collection of DNA I'd ever had the pleasure of laying eyes on. She could look at me and bless my entire existence. I had no intentions of falling for her. But the next thing I knew, I was lying on the ground with a smile so big and goofy I think the world laughed at me. But every love song, every poem, every book ever written about love made sense to me the morning I woke up and found her asleep in my arms. Being in love with her is the most amazing feeling I've ever had in 23 years. I would wait years for her if I had to.

But now, she's gone. She's away and I'm here trying to find the pieces that I lost along the past seven months. I've taken my Savior's hand and I am walking with Him as I try to heal from the traumas that have tainted and cut away at my spirit. He is the only one who can make me whole again. As I make the journey back to completion and back to happy, He stands right beside me, cheering me on and pushing me forward. He fills me with strength and love and when I find myself falling, He is the one who catches me.

The roller coaster got its wires crossed. Unfortunately it can't be stopped until we figure out what caused it. When we do, I'll be able to stop this ride and find my way back on solid ground. Until then, I am under construction.