Monday, September 26, 2011

Not Okay. Not happy.

It's safe to say that I'm not happy right now. Not overall anyway. 

Happy means that I'm okay with all the things in my life, even the things that aren't going right. I'm not. 

I'm okay with the fact that I'm not where I'd like to be in my life. It takes time and I'm not ready to be THERE yet, which is why I'm still HERE. 

I've told myself that I'm getting used to the idea that I may not see my baby girl again. Getting used to is not the same as being okay with it.

I'm okay with the current situation regarding Sam and me. But I'm not okay with the idea that she may one day find someone that she likes more than me, or even that if she doesn't, that she doesn't want me anymore. I'm not. 

I am so tired of disappointment that I am NOT okay with it anymore. I choose not to be. And I can do that. I can wake up and say "I'M SICK OF BEING DISAPPOINTED IN THIS, THAT, HER, HIM AND EVERYTHING AND I'M NOT GOING TO BE OKAY WITH DISAPPOINTMENTS ANYMORE." I don't want to sit around and let myself get kicked around by life. I just have to get up and do something about it. 

I am not in the right frame of mind to be trying to pursue anything but my own mental health, but as soon as I'm better, I'm going to be changing some things. I'm not making concrete decisions right now, but there will be a few made along this journey.

The Lord helps those who help themselves and I'm getting the help that I've needed for so long and maybe I'm being stubborn about some things right now but I've always been a stubborn person. It's part of who I am. And I don't have to be okay with everything that's going wrong in my life. I can either lie down or fight like hell to change it. I believe that God wants to see how far I will go to change my circumstance. 

So while I'm hanging out in the woods now, talking to sticks and God and myself and trying to figure it all out, I'm learning my strengths and weaknesses every day. I'm growing and I can feel it. And I hope to God that I never have to come back to this place again because this time, I'm going to find my way back to happy and I'm going to chain myself to the wall.

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