Friday, September 23, 2011

Out of Order

Standing in line, waiting to move closer to the hunk of metal ready and waiting to shoot through rails, twisting and turning, rolling up, up, up, then shuttling down so fast I can feel my stomach in my brain. Screaming, shouting, regretting the decision to put that metal harness over my body. But there's no going back, there's no way that I can undo it. I must go forward. I must keep going on this machine that holds its life in my hands and with luck, I'll make it off alive.

I lost my daughter this year. I woke up early on Saturday, January 15th, 2011 and collected my belongings for the last time. I kissed and hugged my brother and told him to raise hell but be a good boy. Then I went to her makeshift crib on the floor. I lifted the blanket and found her asleep, the way she always did, right on her stomach, bottom up and face snuggled into the huge pink stuffed bunny we'd gotten her for Easter the year before. As much as I didn't want to disturb her, I did anyway, knowing that it might be the last time I see her, hold her, talk to her, kiss her. Gently, I woke her with a light kiss on her forehead. I whispered that I loved her. I told her to be a good girl and that I would love her forever. After 15 minutes, I'd put her back to sleep, left the room and started out the door, then raced back up to her bedroom so I could hold her one more time. I'd never been so in love with another being in my life. She did not pass through me into this world, but she was my heart, my smile, my love, my life. To say I loved her, is an understatement of epic proportion.

January 28th, she was taken away. I'd never felt such a pain. My soul ached. I was shattered into pieces so small they turned to dust and floated away into the air. Pieces of me went too. I watched this girl grow. I watched her stand on her own, rubbed her gums when her first few teeth cut and the day she charged at me like a raging bull, I picked her up and swung her around the room. I grew with her. I became a woman because of her. Our blood doesn't match but the pull she had on my heart was undeniable. She was my daughter.

I've been trying to pull myself together ever since. For seven months and twenty-six days I've been riding this roller coaster and haven't been able to get off. I can almost predict when the ride will go up and down and twist me out of control.

I called my mother out for being such a shitty parent the day after Mother's Day, and on May 27th, after 14 months without one, I had a seizure. The next day, my cousin died. She was the glue that held my generation together. The sweetest girl you'd ever want to know. And God told her to come home and she wouldn't have to be sick any longer. I'd never cried at a funeral before hers. I'd never seen my family so defeated before June 7th 2011. And while we were all grieving, I destroyed a friendship with someone who was so good to me.

I came apart. Then on June 12th, I met someone who had my heart from the first time she said "Hi, I'm S-A-M." in ASL to my best friend. Love came to me in the form of the most beautiful collection of DNA I'd ever had the pleasure of laying eyes on. She could look at me and bless my entire existence. I had no intentions of falling for her. But the next thing I knew, I was lying on the ground with a smile so big and goofy I think the world laughed at me. But every love song, every poem, every book ever written about love made sense to me the morning I woke up and found her asleep in my arms. Being in love with her is the most amazing feeling I've ever had in 23 years. I would wait years for her if I had to.

But now, she's gone. She's away and I'm here trying to find the pieces that I lost along the past seven months. I've taken my Savior's hand and I am walking with Him as I try to heal from the traumas that have tainted and cut away at my spirit. He is the only one who can make me whole again. As I make the journey back to completion and back to happy, He stands right beside me, cheering me on and pushing me forward. He fills me with strength and love and when I find myself falling, He is the one who catches me.

The roller coaster got its wires crossed. Unfortunately it can't be stopped until we figure out what caused it. When we do, I'll be able to stop this ride and find my way back on solid ground. Until then, I am under construction.

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