Birds fly away when it becomes too cold for comfort. They spread their wings and follow the warmth. But they always return, and when they do, they're older, stronger and wiser from the journey they've taken. I think I'm overdue for my trip south. 

Suddenly there's this ache in my chest. And I worry if it's you, and if your heart that beats in time with mine is all right. Then I remind myself that no matter if our heartbeats are the same or if somehow they've changed their rhythms, that worrying will do me no good. 

gLee

Just submitted my audition video to  "The Glee Project"


I absolutely love the show glee and my dream is to get to be on it. I auditioned last year and it sucked so bad that I don't even like thinking about it. But today, I was so into it. I did so much better! 


I'm also planning on heading up to New York this weekend so that I can also audition in person for the same opportunity. Wish me luck!

The Fear

It starts off small. Just a voice whispering into your ear. It tells you one lie based off of one single action. Something done, or not done. 

All you have to do is hear it. Once you do, it can't be unheard. 

What comes next determines whether or not you'll make it through the rest of the day smiling, or full of so much inner turmoil, you'd rather hang yourself than think about it one more time. 

You either eat the words you've been given, or you throw it away. You can shut the voice down, or choose to listen. But once you've decided to listen, you can't take it back.That voice grows louder. Paints a picture to go along with the words. Gives you all the reasons why that voice is right. And then it's as if the rest of the world has conspired to make that lie, truth.

And it sucks. You try to tell yourself not to worry, not to believe that voice and all the while, everything is looking like you should.

you second guess every little conversation, every moment. You wonder if it's ever been real. You wonder if you were wrong about everything. Then suddenly, you find yourself angry. You say things you don't mean to say and act out. You're trying to inflict hurt because of the hurt you're now convinced you're facing.

But nothing has even happened!

And that's the point. 

All you need is something to happen. Something that will prove to you why you shouldn't believe that lie, and nothing does. It feels like you're standing outside, naked, and people can see you in your most vulnerable state. What's worse is the mass of people telling you that you're overreacting. So you don't even bother to bring it up to anyone. Now you're suffering in silence. The only people who understand you anyway are God, and the lyrics of the songs you're tearing through in hopes that it will heal your spirit.

You hope that something just happens. Something will come along that will take this lie off of your heart and out of your head. You throw yourself into everything you possibly can, and nothing works. Finally, you break down and ask for God's help. But that voice in your ear is so loud, you can't even hear the help you're asking for. Feels like your head is being held underwater and you can't find your way back to the top.

You want someone to just BE THERE. But no one is. They're busy, leading lives, or maybe they can't. Or maybe they plain don't give a fuck. But you can't see that at this point. Because right now, nobody cares. If they did, you wouldn't have fallen this far. You've been drowning in a room full of people and nobody has even bothered to offer a hand. That means they don't care. You're convinced you're alone.

And when you're alone, you're easier to break. All you wanted was someone to prove the lie wrong. But it can't just be anyone. It has to be the one the lie was about. Because the words of anyone else mean nothing.

And you're exhausted. The thoughts running through your mind of endless possibilities can't settle and anyone you go to is exhausted by you.

To know that someone is exhausted by you? They can't stand to be around you?

Makes you want to give up on everything. Makes you want to stop fighting and just drown. And anyone who tells you to just get over it, or stop worrying, or anything else, they don't understand. Words mean nothing. Something should've been DONE. And by now, they're too late.

This is what anxiety feels like. It's an absolute fear sparked by an imaginary flame. They can only see overreacting and that is the furthest from the truth. It's like falling off a ledge and trying to stop yourself in midair. And I don't care who you are, NO ONE can talk you back onto that ledge.

I need someone to catch me. Because I can't catch myself.

Perfection.

I look around at the many blessings in my life and there is so much more to smile about than to sulk about. And yet, I can't seem to take my mind off of the one thing that isn't right now. Why? I've already done all I could. I apologized, and I need to give space and let go. There is no sense in worrying if I'm giving it to God to handle. Worrying implies that I don't trust God. That has always been my problem. Gotta get to the root of that. God may not have given me everything that I've asked for, but I've always been given something better in exchange, so why am I stressed?


Because Love is a hell of a drug. I'm always, always scared about what is going on between us because I love her and don't want her to NOT be in my life. My life is pretty damn good right now. No complaints at all. But she, she is one thing that's killing me, and makes me feel so alive. And what kills me is not being with her. 


But my cousin just said something on Facebook that made me think of all of this all over again. She wished that everything was perfect. And as if it was being whispered into my ear, I heard clear as a bell, 


"Perfection would be nice, but then, what would we have to fight for?"


Nothing. That's what makes the idea so great. But when you think about it, if everything were right, we'd all be bored and waiting around for the other shoe to drop. Some of us might even just throw it ourselves. 


But the one major thing that isn't right in my life, is my relationship with her. She's like, my best friend. She gets me in ways no one ever has before. And I get her too. I'm afraid because if I lose her, what does it mean? Am I so totally inept at building a relationship with someone that I will do whatever I can to sabotage it? Maybe last year, but this isn't last year. Things have to change. I'm scared. But I have faith. Things will work out. Because they have to. My belief in a love that can last depends on this. It's a heavy burden to place on it.  But it's there.


So yeah, a majority of my life is doing just fine. But I need for this to catch up too. She and I don't have to be perfect. But can we be at all?


*exits stage left*

Haiku Story

I'm learning how to write haiku poetry. Structure has never been a strong suit of mine, but I'm finding that it's helping me with my creativity. Here's something I just came up with.

Whenever I hear

My heart beating, I wonder

If it’s really yours.

Because I believe

That although we are apart

Our hearts beat in time

I still feel your hand

Pressed against my warm sternum

Finding life in me.

The Healer

I tried to end a relationship/friendship with my ex the other night. I didn't do it out of love, though I thought it was. I did it out of pure exhaustion. I was tired of waiting. I wanted things to happen at MY speed and when it didn't, I threw the towel in and had a fit.


I began to regret it right away. Nothing was right afterward. I could feel it in every muscle, every bone, every microscopic fiber of hair of my body. I'd made a huge mistake and I sulked around for 2 days about it. Finally, yesterday I texted her about returning an item of hers, and the seal came undone. I broke down and apologized for everything I'd said, all the back and forth I'd been doing and begged her forgiveness.


See, regardless of what others think, I love her like Romeo loved Juliet, the way Jack loved Rose. She became a part of me and when I tried to walk away, it was as if I'd become only a portion of who I was when I started.


One of my closest friends said the other night "You know when you are doing something wrong. You know when you've made a mistake because your mind and your heart tells you it's wrong"


I was on fire. I looked outside at the beautiful sunny day and I was sitting in darkness. Finally I lowered my head and prayed. I asked God for forgiveness for what I'd done and He told me that I needed to admit to her that I was wrong, which is when the apology to her happened.


I pray that God can heal the strain between the two of us. Because she is someone who I want in my life for a long time. She's got issues to high heaven, and so do I, but she is a good person and she helped me to see that my life (and my relationship with God) need all kinds of repair. I am better from knowing her. And through all the times I've wanted to hit her for being selfish, she is so much more than her flaws. And helped me to see that I was too.


She held the mirror to me and helped me see myself for who I was.


God has placed some amazing women in my life and of all of them, she is the one who captured me in the way that I needed to be caught.


I pray that God places the two of us back together. Right now isn't the time. I know that. But someday. I have faith that God will heal the both of us separately, and together.


1s4a3d

Tonight I hugged my mother, voluntarily for the first time in a long time. I realized, that I love her.

This may make me sound like the biggest brat, but for a long time, I wasn't sure.

For a long time, I hated her.

Now, I look back at it all and, I understand why. I was so angry at her for things she had done.

For things she should have done.

But I'm not angry anymore.

Choices

Ever had so many choices to make that you literally just feel exhausted from it? You just want someone else to make choices for you?


*raises hand*


I've been feeling so overwhelmed with so much lately that all I really want to do is sleep. I want to curl up in my bed next to my love and just dream. 


Feels like I'm running around in circles, trying to figure out what it is I'm trying to accomplish.


Apparently, I'm a doer. I like to do, and when I can't, I feel powerless and I don't like feeling powerless, so I usually just DO until shit falls apart. I need to let someone else do the doing. 


Redundant much?


Anyway, the point is, I need to have a seat and stop trying to fix EVERYTHING. Instead, I need to focus on putting my energy into the things that I can do something about. But helplessness in certain situations is not the business. I have been so powerless in the past when it came to certain aspects of my life that I can't stand giving it up to the powers that be. But I need to.


I don't want the responsibility of trying to sort all this out, but I feel like this mess has gone on for long enough. 


*forces myself to have a seat* 


Let's see if I can do this. 

Shower epiphanies, vol. 1

Throughout my life I've always wondered, why are we born with certain desires? 


Why do some of us want to build, and others want to lead?


Why were we created with an urge inside of us so powerful that we dream of it day after day, year after year?


Yes, there are so wishes that we have as children, some of us want to be ballerinas, and cops, and superheroes. Some of us outgrow those ambitions and grow to desire to be something or someone else. 


But my question is why do we have them? And more importantly, why do some of us have dreams that aren't a part of our design? How can a person want more than anything to be a supermodel, but be born too short? Or want to be a part of the military, and unable to because of, maybe a neurological disorder completely out of their control? 


Or even worse. Be the best dancer the world has ever seen, but never given the right opportunity? 


My faith teaches me that we were created layer by layer by God, but that we also decide whether or not to go against His grain. 


But... why? 


I have this deep, unwavering desire to sing. Sometimes I'm tired, there were times I'd get so sad that music was the last thing I wanted. But I've wanted to singer longer than I've wanted to do anything else. What if that's a dream that will never come true? Why do I want to do it so badly? If I was destined for something else? Why isn't THAT the thing I want more than anything to do?


*shrug*


I don't know. But it's late. Gotta get up and at 'em earlier than I'd like to tomorrow. 


I'll be pondering this though. 


God, if you've got anything for me, you know I'm quite oblivious and the answer is going to have to show up in the form of guns blazing, and a confetti madness parade for me to get it. But, I don't have to tell you that. You get me better than anyone. 

My favorite high.

Music.

From the delicious instrumentals and soul stirring melodies, I inhale and exhale like smoke and the vapors sustain me. Without it I fall deeper and deeper into the debilitating gravity of life. So, I take in as much music as I can. I hold onto it and protect it for safekeeping. 

Last night, I went out with some friends for a birthday celebration at a restaurant where another friend of mine performed with her band. She and I talked about me performing with them and I couldn't have been more anxious and excited if I tried. But I had to keep myself together. There was still a chance that it wouldn't pan out and I'd be left feeling disappointed.

I stood by the stage losing my mind and jumping around in my new pair of sky high red suede pumps. Suddenly, lead singer, Meghan is calling me onstage to sing. Sure, I completely forgot the words to the song I was singing, but nonetheless, the moment was everything I needed. By the time I'd gotten hoisted into the air by my 6 foot tall, at least 4 inches in her shoes friend, and made it off the stage, I felt so intoxicated by the feeling of being able to sing in front of a crowd that gave a shit that I all but passed out.

IT WAS AMAZING

And the best part? It didn't end after that. I got two more chances to redeem myself and get out all of my anxieties and sadness and conflicts I'd been internalizing and for the few moments that it lasted, it made the biggest difference in my life. 

Music isn't just a drug, it's a prescription. Each dose heals me. It's my favorite type of high.

Thank God for my Grandmother

Called my Grandmother today for the first time in a few weeks and told her how I've been doing the past few weeks. I explained that I'd started therapy and that I was about to start digging into my past to try and help me figure out what caused my depression and anxieties. Her response to that was "figuring out whatever happened to you in your childhood that made you depressed isn't going to change the fact that you are. You need to learn to get over it so you can move on" 


I agreed, but how can I get over a problem that I can't identify? 


That was a lesson that I learned while I was away in Minnesota raising babies and getting whole and healed. In order to move past something, you need to identify the problem, work through it then move on from it. My problems got to be bigger than me and instead of letting myself fall victim to it, I decided that I was going to get help.


Basically what she said to that was that I wouldn't be happy until I get the hell out of my mother's house.


Another fact that I agreed to. I've lived in this house since I was 4 years old and the demons and sadness and anger that have festered for years until they seep into all of us. It's a toxic environment and I should've gotten out of here a long time ago. Needless to say, I've gotten highly motivated. 


I always feel helpless when I know that I have more control than I think I have. But no, I'm getting myself out of the victim mindset. I CAN do this. I WILL do this. I WON'T be stopped. 


Something to add to my affirmations. 


I am NOT a victim anymore.

Lost my day pass today. Shrugged my shoulders and said "Oh well, someone needed it more than I did." Then it hit me, I've lost plenty in my life, things and people. Maybe someone else needed them more than I did. 

Not Okay. Not happy.

It's safe to say that I'm not happy right now. Not overall anyway. 


Happy means that I'm okay with all the things in my life, even the things that aren't going right. I'm not. 


I'm okay with the fact that I'm not where I'd like to be in my life. It takes time and I'm not ready to be THERE yet, which is why I'm still HERE. 


I've told myself that I'm getting used to the idea that I may not see my baby girl again. Getting used to is not the same as being okay with it.


I'm okay with the current situation regarding Sam and me. But I'm not okay with the idea that she may one day find someone that she likes more than me, or even that if she doesn't, that she doesn't want me anymore. I'm not. 


I am so tired of disappointment that I am NOT okay with it anymore. I choose not to be. And I can do that. I can wake up and say "I'M SICK OF BEING DISAPPOINTED IN THIS, THAT, HER, HIM AND EVERYTHING AND I'M NOT GOING TO BE OKAY WITH DISAPPOINTMENTS ANYMORE." I don't want to sit around and let myself get kicked around by life. I just have to get up and do something about it. 


I am not in the right frame of mind to be trying to pursue anything but my own mental health, but as soon as I'm better, I'm going to be changing some things. I'm not making concrete decisions right now, but there will be a few made along this journey.


The Lord helps those who help themselves and I'm getting the help that I've needed for so long and maybe I'm being stubborn about some things right now but I've always been a stubborn person. It's part of who I am. And I don't have to be okay with everything that's going wrong in my life. I can either lie down or fight like hell to change it. I believe that God wants to see how far I will go to change my circumstance. 


So while I'm hanging out in the woods now, talking to sticks and God and myself and trying to figure it all out, I'm learning my strengths and weaknesses every day. I'm growing and I can feel it. And I hope to God that I never have to come back to this place again because this time, I'm going to find my way back to happy and I'm going to chain myself to the wall.

My pitch may not always be exact but the lyrics that come from my mouth and flow melodically in song regardless of the emotions hiding in my throat will always speak the truth. If I should find myself choking on tears of sadness or shouting anger or the laughter of happiness, you will hear it in my song and feel it too.

I am not the easiest person to deal with. My emotional baggage wears me down. But I'm putting my bags down and unpacking them one by one. It's unfair of me to ask anyone to hold them with me. Time for me to settle. 

Out of Order

Standing in line, waiting to move closer to the hunk of metal ready and waiting to shoot through rails, twisting and turning, rolling up, up, up, then shuttling down so fast I can feel my stomach in my brain. Screaming, shouting, regretting the decision to put that metal harness over my body. But there's no going back, there's no way that I can undo it. I must go forward. I must keep going on this machine that holds its life in my hands and with luck, I'll make it off alive.

I lost my daughter this year. I woke up early on Saturday, January 15th, 2011 and collected my belongings for the last time. I kissed and hugged my brother and told him to raise hell but be a good boy. Then I went to her makeshift crib on the floor. I lifted the blanket and found her asleep, the way she always did, right on her stomach, bottom up and face snuggled into the huge pink stuffed bunny we'd gotten her for Easter the year before. As much as I didn't want to disturb her, I did anyway, knowing that it might be the last time I see her, hold her, talk to her, kiss her. Gently, I woke her with a light kiss on her forehead. I whispered that I loved her. I told her to be a good girl and that I would love her forever. After 15 minutes, I'd put her back to sleep, left the room and started out the door, then raced back up to her bedroom so I could hold her one more time. I'd never been so in love with another being in my life. She did not pass through me into this world, but she was my heart, my smile, my love, my life. To say I loved her, is an understatement of epic proportion.

January 28th, she was taken away. I'd never felt such a pain. My soul ached. I was shattered into pieces so small they turned to dust and floated away into the air. Pieces of me went too. I watched this girl grow. I watched her stand on her own, rubbed her gums when her first few teeth cut and the day she charged at me like a raging bull, I picked her up and swung her around the room. I grew with her. I became a woman because of her. Our blood doesn't match but the pull she had on my heart was undeniable. She was my daughter.

I've been trying to pull myself together ever since. For seven months and twenty-six days I've been riding this roller coaster and haven't been able to get off. I can almost predict when the ride will go up and down and twist me out of control.

I called my mother out for being such a shitty parent the day after Mother's Day, and on May 27th, after 14 months without one, I had a seizure. The next day, my cousin died. She was the glue that held my generation together. The sweetest girl you'd ever want to know. And God told her to come home and she wouldn't have to be sick any longer. I'd never cried at a funeral before hers. I'd never seen my family so defeated before June 7th 2011. And while we were all grieving, I destroyed a friendship with someone who was so good to me.

I came apart. Then on June 12th, I met someone who had my heart from the first time she said "Hi, I'm S-A-M." in ASL to my best friend. Love came to me in the form of the most beautiful collection of DNA I'd ever had the pleasure of laying eyes on. She could look at me and bless my entire existence. I had no intentions of falling for her. But the next thing I knew, I was lying on the ground with a smile so big and goofy I think the world laughed at me. But every love song, every poem, every book ever written about love made sense to me the morning I woke up and found her asleep in my arms. Being in love with her is the most amazing feeling I've ever had in 23 years. I would wait years for her if I had to.

But now, she's gone. She's away and I'm here trying to find the pieces that I lost along the past seven months. I've taken my Savior's hand and I am walking with Him as I try to heal from the traumas that have tainted and cut away at my spirit. He is the only one who can make me whole again. As I make the journey back to completion and back to happy, He stands right beside me, cheering me on and pushing me forward. He fills me with strength and love and when I find myself falling, He is the one who catches me.

The roller coaster got its wires crossed. Unfortunately it can't be stopped until we figure out what caused it. When we do, I'll be able to stop this ride and find my way back on solid ground. Until then, I am under construction.