Sunday, October 30, 2011

The Fear

It starts off small. Just a voice whispering into your ear. It tells you one lie based off of one single action. Something done, or not done. 

All you have to do is hear it. Once you do, it can't be unheard. 

What comes next determines whether or not you'll make it through the rest of the day smiling, or full of so much inner turmoil, you'd rather hang yourself than think about it one more time. 

You either eat the words you've been given, or you throw it away. You can shut the voice down, or choose to listen. But once you've decided to listen, you can't take it back.That voice grows louder. Paints a picture to go along with the words. Gives you all the reasons why that voice is right. And then it's as if the rest of the world has conspired to make that lie, truth.

And it sucks. You try to tell yourself not to worry, not to believe that voice and all the while, everything is looking like you should.

you second guess every little conversation, every moment. You wonder if it's ever been real. You wonder if you were wrong about everything. Then suddenly, you find yourself angry. You say things you don't mean to say and act out. You're trying to inflict hurt because of the hurt you're now convinced you're facing.

But nothing has even happened!

And that's the point. 

All you need is something to happen. Something that will prove to you why you shouldn't believe that lie, and nothing does. It feels like you're standing outside, naked, and people can see you in your most vulnerable state. What's worse is the mass of people telling you that you're overreacting. So you don't even bother to bring it up to anyone. Now you're suffering in silence. The only people who understand you anyway are God, and the lyrics of the songs you're tearing through in hopes that it will heal your spirit.

You hope that something just happens. Something will come along that will take this lie off of your heart and out of your head. You throw yourself into everything you possibly can, and nothing works. Finally, you break down and ask for God's help. But that voice in your ear is so loud, you can't even hear the help you're asking for. Feels like your head is being held underwater and you can't find your way back to the top.

You want someone to just BE THERE. But no one is. They're busy, leading lives, or maybe they can't. Or maybe they plain don't give a fuck. But you can't see that at this point. Because right now, nobody cares. If they did, you wouldn't have fallen this far. You've been drowning in a room full of people and nobody has even bothered to offer a hand. That means they don't care. You're convinced you're alone.

And when you're alone, you're easier to break. All you wanted was someone to prove the lie wrong. But it can't just be anyone. It has to be the one the lie was about. Because the words of anyone else mean nothing.

And you're exhausted. The thoughts running through your mind of endless possibilities can't settle and anyone you go to is exhausted by you.

To know that someone is exhausted by you? They can't stand to be around you?

Makes you want to give up on everything. Makes you want to stop fighting and just drown. And anyone who tells you to just get over it, or stop worrying, or anything else, they don't understand. Words mean nothing. Something should've been DONE. And by now, they're too late.

This is what anxiety feels like. It's an absolute fear sparked by an imaginary flame. They can only see overreacting and that is the furthest from the truth. It's like falling off a ledge and trying to stop yourself in midair. And I don't care who you are, NO ONE can talk you back onto that ledge.

I need someone to catch me. Because I can't catch myself.

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