Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The Healer

I tried to end a relationship/friendship with my ex the other night. I didn't do it out of love, though I thought it was. I did it out of pure exhaustion. I was tired of waiting. I wanted things to happen at MY speed and when it didn't, I threw the towel in and had a fit.

I began to regret it right away. Nothing was right afterward. I could feel it in every muscle, every bone, every microscopic fiber of hair of my body. I'd made a huge mistake and I sulked around for 2 days about it. Finally, yesterday I texted her about returning an item of hers, and the seal came undone. I broke down and apologized for everything I'd said, all the back and forth I'd been doing and begged her forgiveness.

See, regardless of what others think, I love her like Romeo loved Juliet, the way Jack loved Rose. She became a part of me and when I tried to walk away, it was as if I'd become only a portion of who I was when I started.

One of my closest friends said the other night "You know when you are doing something wrong. You know when you've made a mistake because your mind and your heart tells you it's wrong"

I was on fire. I looked outside at the beautiful sunny day and I was sitting in darkness. Finally I lowered my head and prayed. I asked God for forgiveness for what I'd done and He told me that I needed to admit to her that I was wrong, which is when the apology to her happened.

I pray that God can heal the strain between the two of us. Because she is someone who I want in my life for a long time. She's got issues to high heaven, and so do I, but she is a good person and she helped me to see that my life (and my relationship with God) need all kinds of repair. I am better from knowing her. And through all the times I've wanted to hit her for being selfish, she is so much more than her flaws. And helped me to see that I was too.

She held the mirror to me and helped me see myself for who I was.

God has placed some amazing women in my life and of all of them, she is the one who captured me in the way that I needed to be caught.

I pray that God places the two of us back together. Right now isn't the time. I know that. But someday. I have faith that God will heal the both of us separately, and together.


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