I look around at the many blessings in my life and there is so much more to smile about than to sulk about. And yet, I can't seem to take my mind off of the one thing that isn't right now. Why? I've already done all I could. I apologized, and I need to give space and let go. There is no sense in worrying if I'm giving it to God to handle. Worrying implies that I don't trust God. That has always been my problem. Gotta get to the root of that. God may not have given me everything that I've asked for, but I've always been given something better in exchange, so why am I stressed?
Because Love is a hell of a drug. I'm always, always scared about what is going on between us because I love her and don't want her to NOT be in my life. My life is pretty damn good right now. No complaints at all. But she, she is one thing that's killing me, and makes me feel so alive. And what kills me is not being with her.
But my cousin just said something on Facebook that made me think of all of this all over again. She wished that everything was perfect. And as if it was being whispered into my ear, I heard clear as a bell,
"Perfection would be nice, but then, what would we have to fight for?"
Nothing. That's what makes the idea so great. But when you think about it, if everything were right, we'd all be bored and waiting around for the other shoe to drop. Some of us might even just throw it ourselves.
But the one major thing that isn't right in my life, is my relationship with her. She's like, my best friend. She gets me in ways no one ever has before. And I get her too. I'm afraid because if I lose her, what does it mean? Am I so totally inept at building a relationship with someone that I will do whatever I can to sabotage it? Maybe last year, but this isn't last year. Things have to change. I'm scared. But I have faith. Things will work out. Because they have to. My belief in a love that can last depends on this. It's a heavy burden to place on it. But it's there.
So yeah, a majority of my life is doing just fine. But I need for this to catch up too. She and I don't have to be perfect. But can we be at all?
*exits stage left*